Joke of the day thread

[Montana Mud]

I've seen some good ones since I've been a member but I'm sure I've missed more on different forums. So what better place to start a joke thread than on General Discussions.

I'll start off.

This guy calls his wife from the hospital and tells her that he lost a finger working on a lathe at work.

She asks "Did you loose the whole finger?"

He replys "No the one next to it.":rolleyes:

[Tide1]

Jeb and Ezzra are standing on a bridge fishing and Ezzra asks Jeb " If I had an affair with your wife and she had a baby would that make us related ?" Jeb thinks about it for a minute then he says " It wouldn't make us relatives but it sure would make us even" :whis:

Gary

[Thunder]

Broke Back Mountain Woman

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch , but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2: 30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, w ith trembling hands did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

[Tide1]

That was a good one Thunder

[Montana Mud]

Billy Bob and Jed are passing the time sitting on a bench when Jed says "Billy Bob we should do something with our life."

Billy Bob says "I hear that colledge can do stuff for people. Why don't we go and check it out?"

When Billy Bob and Jed get on campus Billy Bob has second thoughts and convinces Jed to go in first.

Jed finds a counselor and asks her what colledge can do for him.

She says they offer many classes on many subjects and procedes to list some when she gets to "conductive reasoning."

He asks "what's conductive reasoning?"

"Well for example do you own a weed eater?" she asks.
"Yes" he replys.

"Then it would be reasonable to assume you have a yard?"
"Yes" he says.

"And if you have a yard I would think you have a home?"
"Yes, yes." Jed says with interest.

"And if you have a home I assume you have a wife and maybe some kids? And if that's true than it stands to reason that you are a heterosexual?"
"Wow" Jed said impressed. "You nailed that on the head."

Jed runs out to where Billy Bob is waiting for him. Billy Bob says "What did you learn in there?"

Jed tells him they got a class on conductive reasoning.
"What's that?" Billy asks.

"Well" Jed says "Do you own a weed eater?"
"No" Billy Bob says puzzled.

Jed says "Hell you must be queer then."

[Steel God]

The Five Most Dangerous Things in the Army


1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."

2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."

4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

Mary recieved a parrot as a gift. the parrot was full grown with a very bad attitude, and a filthy vocabulary, every other word was a swear-word or something rude, to say the least.

Mary tried to change the birds attitude by saying nice, polite things, but nothing worked. She yelled at the bird, and the bird just got worse. She shook the bird, and the bird got madder and even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation Mary put the parrot in the Freezer just to get a minute of peace and quiet. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming, then suddenly there was absolute silence. Mary, frightened that she might have harmed the bird quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Marys extended hand and said.

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my foul language, and I ask for your forgiveness. In future I will endevour to correct my behaviour, and I'm sure it will never happen again"

Mary was astounded at the change in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued.

"May I ask what the Chicken did?"

All the Best
Peter

[PzHeinZ]

This happened in the USSR in 1980´s...:

Mr. Ivanov is reading the morning newspaper at home. He spots an ad in which the KGB is looking for new employees. Mr. Ivanov has always dreamed of being a spy and decides to apply.

At the KGB headquarters he fills in the necessary papers and is then called for a job interview. Major Kuznetzov shakes mr. Ivanov hand and asks him to take a seat.
- Well, mr. Ivanov, I´ll make you a couple of simple questions to find out if you are a kind of man we are looking for.......hmmmm...first tell me who is the author of "Das Kapital"?

When mr. Ivanov is just about to answer sergeant Petrov enters the room.
- Comrade major, excuse me, but there is a phone call for you.

Major is a little annoyed about the disturbance but leaves the room. As he goes he gives the sergeant an order.
- Sergeant, you can continue from now on. Ask this man who wrote "Das Kapital"!

The phone call is a long one. When major finally comes back after about 20 minutes he sees the following sight in his room:
Sergeant Petrov stands in the middle of the blood splatterd room sweatty, without a shirt and with swollen fists.
Mr. Ivanov sits in the corner of the room with most of his teeths missing, broken fingers, covered in blood and electric wires attached to his private parts. Major is utterly shocked.
- What the h***!

Sergeant Petrov salutes the major and shouts:
- comrade major, he confessed. He wrote the "Das Kapital"!

[RedDevil]

hahahaha

[RedDevil]

An elderly couple revisits the place of their honeymoon some 50 years ago. They ask and receive the same room they had all those years ago and during the evening dinner, the husband asks the wife.."how about we do things like we did 50 years ago?"
So later that night, they retire to their room.. each of them undresses in a corner and the man says "now honey, just like we did 50 years ago, I'll turn out the lights and we'll run into each other's arms and fall on the bed and make passionate love!"
he flips off the lights and off across the room he dashes..

However, those 50 years have disorientated his sense of direction and he misses the wife, and finds himself suddenly out on the balcony, stumbling over the railing, and falling into the bushes below!


Trying to get back inside, he taps on the window to alert the desk clerk.. "Help me, I need to get up to my room, but I'm stark naked!"


"It's ok, sir" replies the clerk "no one will see you"
"Everyone's upstairs trying to help some old woman who's stuck on a doorknob!"