Joke of the day thread

[Outlaw Josey Wales]

Superman flying around one day, bored as can be. He whips into the Bat Cave and says "Hey Batman, let's take a day off from fighting crime and go fishing."

Batman says "I'd love to Superman, but Alfred is on vacation, Robin is sick and the Batmobile needs an oil change and tune up. I just don't have time."

Superman leaves and is flying around and stops by Spiderman's Apartment. "Hey Spiderman, let's take a day off from fighting crime and go have some fun." Spiderman says "I'd love to Superman, but I have to repair the holes in all this webbing. I just don't have time"

Superman leaves and is flying around again when he looks down and sees Wonder Woman lying on a rooftop, naked. Superman thinks, what the hell, he zips down there and hummina, hummina, hummina and flies off as fast as he can.

The next day at the Hall of Justice, he approaches Wonder Woman and says "I apologize Wonder Woman, I hope you're not too upset about yesterday. Wonder Woman says "I'm fine, but you really annoyed the Invisible Man."

[Outlaw Josey Wales]

A little boy and little girl are walking down the street. The little boy thinks...I want to impress this little girl. The little boy says "My daddy is a Fireman." The little girl says "So, my daddy is a Police Man and gets to carry a gun."

After a couple of minutes the little boy says "My daddy bought me a tricycle." The little girl says "So, my daddy bought me a bicycle with no training wheels."

They continue walking and the little boy is fuming. He thinks "I really have to do better than this girl. Then he stops, unzips his pants, pulls out his little general and says with a big smile "I've got one of these!" The little girl says "So", lifts her skirt and says "I've got one of these. And with one of these, I can get all those I want!"

[Montana Mud]

Two old friends are having a drink when one of them says "I can't believe i've been married to my wife for 50yrs!"

His friend looks at him funny and says "Vince I was the best man at your wedding and I know for a fact you have only been married to Susan for 25yrs."

Vince thinks about it a few seconds....."50yrs with the wind chill."

[Outlaw Josey Wales]

Sick jokes:

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?

She answered the iron.


How did Helen Keller burn the other side of her face?

They called back.


How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

Reading the waffle iron.


How did Helen Keller break her arm riding down the road?

Reading the stop sign.


What kind of wood don't float?

Natalie Wood.


Why didn't Natalie Wood shower on the yacht that night?

She preferred to wash up on shore.


Mommy, Mommy, why do I keep walking in circles?

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!


Dad I hate sister's guts!

Shut up and eat whats's on your plate.


Mommy cna we have grandma for dinner?

No, we still have half of Aunt May in the fridge.


Mommy, Mommy, daddy fell off the roof!

I know dear, he just passed the window.


What's blue and sits in the corner?

A baby with a plastic bag on his head.


What's green and sits in the corner?

Same baby three days later.


What's red and goes brrump brrrump brrrump?

A baby playing with an electric fan.


Daddy, I want a new dog.

Shut up, we haven't finished eating the old one yet.

[PzHeinZ]

Nice ones! These made me invent one of my own:

"Dad, I just want to live in Finland, I don´t want to go to the United States!"
- Just shut up and swim!

[Outlaw Josey Wales]

YO MOMMA is so fat.................

Her clothes have stretch marks.

Her belt size is equator.

She jumped in the air and got stuck.

When she was in school, she sat next to everybody.

When she goes to the movies, surround sound doesn't work.

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

A dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, “I’d like to buy a horth” he tells the farm owner.

“What sort of a horse?” asks the owner. “A female horth” the dwarf replies, so the owner takes him to his finest Mare.

“Nithe horth” says the Dwarf, “Can I see thee her eyth?”. The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the Horses eyes, then puts him gently back on the ground.

“Nithe eyth” says the dwarf, “Can I thee her teeth?”

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth, and then puts him back on the ground

Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?” the dwarf asks.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but he again picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses ears, and puts him back on the ground.

“Nithe earth” says the dwarf, “Can I see her twot?”

By now the owner is so fed up he picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him on the ground.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, “Perhaps I should weefwaze that, ... can I see her wun awound?”

All the Best
Peter

[PzHeinZ]

LMAO PMFP! :grin2:

[Weasel]

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

[Weasel]

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."

The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"