Russkies in Oklahoma!

[seabolt]

So, the other day Epoletov got tired of my wiseacre ways---or probably wasn't real sure whether he should feel slighted---and challenged me to a Cold War classic matchup, updated to 2008. Being the red-blooded sort, I had to accept, even though I'm really a WWII guy. It occurs that this is a good battle on which to keep a running action report, given my opponent's language/Babelfish skills and my natural syntax don't really mix. I'll be surprised if he can glean any intel from this; this isn't really an intelligence kind of operation, anyway. ;)

Epoletov sent over a 15K meeting engagement on a custom map depicting stereotypical U.S. locations. It was something of a shock because it includes Interstate 44, State Highway 51, and a river turning right in the southwest quadrant. This geography pretty much matches that of Tulsa, OK, although the urban development is about 35 years out of date. Still, close enough to be spooky, coming from a guy ~12 time zones away.

So, the 2008 Russians are in Oklahoma and it's up to this Texan to kick them out. (Being a Texan, I really shouldn't *care* that the ex-pinks hold Tulsa, but I lived there for quite a while ...) The first order of business would be finding out how the crumbling Soviet war machine has held up over the years.

Not too shabbily, it appears. The last SPWW2 update really jacked up the Soviet lethality, by massaging the crazy numbers on their thermobaric RPGs and introducing them earlier. SPMBT 3.0 also gives the Russians all sorts of "instant vaporize" infantry, though at least they're a bit pricey. Flipping over to the U.S. setup, I see that my mainline infantry are, as usual, a bit underwhelming.

Comparing armor, the Abrams SEP package appears to give me a major edge in this category. By no means is the Abrams musketproof, but it should win a long-range quick-draw against the best Soviet armor 5 times out of 5.01 (or thereabouts). Barring user idiocy, which is a specialty of mine with armor ...

Artillery, meh, the boys at Shrapnel rate every cluster round of type x as identical to every other. (It amuses me that we, as gamers, dwell lovingly over every difference in two tank guns, but consider a bomb to be a bomb. Bombs vary *tremendously* from x-kg loadout to loadout.) Epoletov placed a 10% artillery cap on the game, and he has a slight edge here if he's shrewd, because he can field a wider but shallower spread of cluster fire if he picks the right gear. As usual, I take a small part of my artillery allowance and spam my board with lowly 60mm mortars. (Splintex starts nodding vigorously at this point.) Point for point, 60s are the reigning mofo chest-thumping King Kongs of suppression in this game. Never start a fight without one or 12; you know I won't.

Last but not least (among primary platforms), we have air. Holy Toledo, is the deficit ever ugly here! The ex-Soviets have attack copters that look like warthogs from hell and probably need to be nuked from orbit. And their AA capacity is unreal. The only thing in the U.S. arsenal that can survive in their LOS is the stealth fighter-bombers, one of which costs 999 points. :rolleyes: I'll be sure to stock up on those.

Other than the Abrams, I appeared to be majorly outgunned in this matchup, so I did what any SP player does in times of stress: started scrounging for obscure wonder weapons in the TO/E. ;) And did I ever find them.

The first would be an old WWII standby, the U.S. Army Ranger. (It must be a maxim at Shrapnel that no one can have better infantry than the Rangers.) In 2008, they're loaded up with Land Warrior gear. Most players fall in love with the bells and whistles in the lower slots, but truth is weapon slot 1 makes up 90% of what infantry is worth: and slot 1 here is acc 10 assault rifles. Hello, 90 bursts of semi-instant vaporize reaching out to range 8. Better yet, they're 10-man squads, and bigger always is better. Better better yet, though the base model seems just a touch pricey at 43 points (actually a bargain), the 60-point squad is off the hook because it includes 2 SAMs. The loss of 3 EW points roughly will be offset by the +15 experience, and not having to watch 2-man 120-point SAM units disappear under artillery fire saves me from getting all weepy.

Yes, I love me some Rangers, and am now eager to pit them against the worst flamethrowing cheese that my opponent can muster, but I still had a huge gap in the air war. As rabid as the Russian AA is, the U.S. gear is absolutely putrid. (I find this realistic, given we haven't actually fired an AA piece in anger since 1942 ...) The only thing with the accuracy, EW, and bang to kill Russian gear is the Patriot, and stationary SAMs have a half-life measured in nanoseconds in this game. I needed some attack copters that would stand a chance of scaring off demon warthogs, and tossing an outdated SAM or two wasn't going to cut it. And, when I looked closely, there they were. On top of its always decent 30mm chaingun, one of the Apaches was kitted with two 2x70mm DAGRs, each with 14 AP rounds. For a helicopter, a veritable cornucopia of 90 acc, no dodge, just enough punch to cave in your 20-pt armored nose goodness. And a bargain at 570 points, to boot.

So, there's my plan in a nutshell: Rangers, Abrams, and DAGR Apaches. I think I can win the infantry war, though it'll be ugly and smell a lot like badly cooked pork. I know I can win the armor war. There's no way to win the air war; the Apaches will just cover my armor and keep him from shooting speed 35 APCs full of ATGMs around my flanks.

All that's missing is a flag and some apple pie.

-- 30 --

[brm_3k]

Good luck Seabolt. Just remember you are fighting for the free world!

Alex

[seabolt]

Good luck Seabolt. Just remember you are fighting for the free world!

They can take away our Hannah Montana DVDs when they pry them from our ... no, wait, that's just plain creepy.

Not to be contrarian, but one could make an argument that there isn't a freer part of the world than Russia these days. (Maybe Somalia. Or Antarctica. Depending on how you count.) That said, if you lined up all of their gear, then lined up all of our gear, which pool would Darth Vader pick his ride from?

That's right, dibs on the white hat!

-- 30 --

[wigam]

From your first post I am now waiting eagerly for the following installments.

[seabolt]

From your first post I am now waiting eagerly for the following installments.

Me, too. Epoletov graciously wrote to explain that work had got in the way of his opening barrage, er, turn. [Insert tasteless joke here about work being a relatively new and unknown phenomenon for Russians.] Should have an update later today at some point.

[Knuckle rapping by the Walrus in 3, 2, 1 ...]

-- 30 --

[Walrus]

I live not to work.
I'm moving to Russia forthwith.
Hurrah!

Rap.

[seabolt]

I live not to work.
I'm moving to Russia forthwith.
Hurrah!

That would be about like moving to Hiroshima to admire the sublime cherry blossoms in 1946. You're a scootch too late.

Rap.

Looks like we're both just warming up. ;)

-- 30 --

[seabolt]

TURN 1

Many players prefer to ban turn 0 bombardment in meeting engagements. Their reasons are sound: It's not particularly realistic and it's irksome that there's no replay for your opponent's shells landing. OTOH, banning turn 0 fire strongly tempts both players to stack their units on the forward-edge road hexes and transform turns 1 and 2 into a track meet, which may be even less realistic.

None of the above factored into Epoletov and I using turn 0 fire in our duel. We did so because either a) we're fanatical, sworn idealogical enemies thirsting to fire in each other's general direction just on general principles or b) the topic's way too darn complicated for pulldown menu Translate X to Y--speak. Really, it's b), but there's always the chance that we devolve to a) by the end of the fight. ;)

Turn 0 fire creates a bit of tension opening that first file, because there's nothing quite like getting owned before you even get out of the gate. It doesn't help when your opponent engages in a bit of understated smack and writes, "Catch Russian gifts," as his e-mail. However, things weren't too bad at all, except that I paid dearly for willfully ignoring rule 0 about playing on a custom map provided by your opponent.

Rule 0 is simply that, if a terrain feature on your side looks too good to be true, it is. The guy made the map, for Pete's sake; he stuck it there to tempt you to put something valuable on it. As much as I hated to, I had to buy some Patriots as the only one-shot-kill AA available. At 284 points each (IIRC), I didn't buy a lot, so each had to cover a huge hunk of my part of the 120x160 (IIRC) map. My terrain included a maximum-height hill with three rough hexes in a row at the crest. Epoletov might as well have stuck a sign in the middle one stating "free birdseed," rubbed his mitts together, and chortled ala Wile E Coyote. But it was the only decent place to place a Patriot, and I kept thinking about how hard it can be to splatter a unit in rough with artillery.

Needless to say, I'm now down one Patriot unit ...

On the plus side, Epoletov had artillery smoke signatures scattered all over his backfield, which meant that a) like a true ex-Soviet he chose quantity over quality and eschewed any CM launchers (I could only be so lucky), b) he at most had one or two traditional CM launchers (the splattered Patriot suggested as much, but again I didn't have a replay to confirm), or c) the wily SOB found the grossly underpriced Nona howitzer packing 14 CM rounds for just 61 points (4.4 points per CM round vs ~9.8 for the cheapest US platform). I spent my turn hoping for a) or b), then his end-of-turn salvo confirmed c). The only plus side to the deal is that he's paying a fortune for ordnance units or his CM fire won't have much endurance.

[At this point I was rudely interrupted ~6.5 hours ago. Some 5 Beck's (In the can; the bottles taste like ass in the U.S.), 2 gin rickeys, and a $14 cigar later, we resume our narrative. Any continuity lapses are the responsibility of Brauerei Beck & Co.]

As mentioned previously, my side of the map includes a loop of river, with 5 VHs on the virtual island inside of it. Most interestingly, Epoletov went out of his way to destroy all three of the bridges linking to the "mainland." I had gone out of my way to purchase units for the exact same purpose. :rolleyes: I have to conjecture that Epoletov thought I might be cagey enough to shelter some assault units from his opening barrage by placing them there. It's a good thing I'm not nearly so savvy. Regardless, one has to assume that he a) plans to give up on taking those VHs (seems unlikely), b) bought a boatload of Hinds, or c) thinks very highly of his APCs' amphibious capacity. It seems most probable that I can expect a dramatically vertical assault any time now.

That said, the most interesting development was the complete lack of developments of that nature. Which is to say, the Soviet war machine (both in reality and this model) is highly specialized for jumping out and grabbing the good ground, but my admittedly conservative reconnaissance forays revealed not a single Russian unit reaching forward into the "dead man's land" between our start lines. Other than cannon smoke, not a darn thing is to be seen in the east. I can only guess that Epoletov plans to drain his Nonas of CM rounds and maximize his softening up of my positions before unleashing his ground and helo resources. I don't think that's the optimal way to play the Russians, but hell I'm the one down 284 points out of the gate.

Finally, when Epoletov's turn finally arrived, it bore the header "Oklahoma 2008." Obviously, we have a mole somewhere in the department. (I'm thinking it's Vesku. Dude smells pink to me. Maybe it's just the herring, but you can never be certain ...) If I'm a bit vague on current turn news, and backfill details later in the narrative, that would be the reason why.

-- 30 --

[Vesku]

Thanks. That statement will be paid right out of your back skin on our next battle :)

[wigam]

I would love to see the map1
Epoletov or Seabolt.... please... :)