Joke of the day thread

[Mad Russian]

Just goes to show you that you shouldn't mess with women police officers in Texas......never know what might happen.....

Good Hunting.

MR

[PoorOldSpike]

Cop gives gun safety lecture, forgets bit about safety catches
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=am-Qdx6vky0

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

Restocking the jokes pages.
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HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

All the Best
Peter

[James Ward]

Hopefully this is 'clean' enough.

I love Brooklyn Tony!!!!

Brooklyn Tony AT SCHOOL
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on Brooklyn
Tony. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top
and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice
cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,
"Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

Brooklyn Tony ON MATH
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wj*b."

Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly , and I will allow you to go."
Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!"

Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
"Last night at the dinner table,my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!'"

Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER
Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Brooklyn Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business."

[Extraordinarius]

The true cause of the Soviet invasion of the Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia in 1968 was revealed in the transcripts of a taped conversation between Soviet Premier Brezhnev and Czech President Alexander Dubček:

B: "Dubček, I am very worried by what I hear. Unless I am about to send a team of translators to Siberia, it says here that you are establishing a Ministry of the Navy."

D: "The translation is correct, Mister Premier."

B: "That's insane! Czechslovalkia's got no coastline!"

D: "Well that's true, but the USSR has a Ministry of Justice, and Bulgaria has a Ministry of Culture, and we really need somewhere to park the more useless Party members..."

B: *click*

[bluehand]

why can't I see past page 1! missing out on jokes is making me cranky!

[Greybeard]

Well, I guess here goes:

Not long ago a tourist flight left Los Angeles International on course for Hawaii.. at first all is well, until just beyond the point where Calif is farther than Hawaii, the pilot receives a message from LAX: "We are sorry to inform you, but the load of fuel you took aboard is contaminated.. it is likely that you will suffer one or more engine failures"

Since they were flying a 4 engine aircraft the pilot felt fairly confident that even should one or two engines fail that they would be able to safely make it to Hawaii..

not long after, one engine flamed out, and the Pilot informed the passengers that they need not be concerned as they could fly perfectly safely on the remaining 3 engines..

then.. a second engine flamed out.. the flight engineer ran some quick calculations, and estimated at thier current weight the aircraft would come down in the water short of Hawaii.. so the crew began pumping un-needed fuel overboard until the engineer indicated that all was OK..

then a 3rd engine flamed out.. and the aircraft began to lose altitude.. the crew dumped what remaining fuel they could, and since it was not enough weight reduction, gathered some willing passengers and began emptying the cargo hold.. still not enough weight reduced.. and the aircraft continued to lose altitude..

finally they had thrown everything overboard that they could.. and the flight engineer calcutlated that yet another 600 pounds or so was needed to toss overboard.. with little alterative, the Pilot asked for 4 volunteers to give thier lives that the rest may live..

3 stepped fwds, then finally a 4th..

A Frenchman, A Britain, An American, and a German.. they drew straws to see who would go first..

The German jumped thru the door and vanished silently in the cold air..

Seeing the Bravery displayed by the German, the Frenchman stood forwards next, paused at the door and yelled 'viva La France' as he departed the aircraft..

The Brit, not to be out-done, yelled 'God Save the Queen' as he disappeared thru the open door..

Finally, only the American remained, and stood for a moment in deep thought..

The remaining passengers wondered what he might say..

finally he drew a deep breath.. and quickly reached out and Grabbed a Mexican man sitting next to the door and tossed him out.. as he did so, he yells: ' I'm from Texas, Remember the Alamo! ' ....

-Greybeard

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

For All Who Work With Rude Customers…

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced travellers.. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way
to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and It HAS to be FIRST CLASS'...

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, The man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have to get in line for that too'..

All the Best
Peter

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

Well it made me laugh anyhow!

Security Alert Levels

Following the recent terror alert the English have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

Meanwhile...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath). New Zealand only has one more level of escalation which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!'; "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

All the Best
Peter

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

Just in.

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one Day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years Old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such Great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It Protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her Parents. Naturally, they take the bike there..

But just before they enter the house,


Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the Stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the Situation..

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

All the Best
Peter