Joke of the day thread

[Hedgehog]

lot of men have decided to get a dog rather than a wife because....


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but certainly not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour. Then open the boot and see who's the happiest to see you.

[Hedgehog]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour
just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

"Why do you love doing that?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???

[Hedgehog]

1-Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.





2- A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, please pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'





3- Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humor'!

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

Just in.

Paraprosdokian sentences

A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Service usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

All the Best
Peter

[Foreigner]

A boss is a person who's late when you are on time and on time when you are late.

There's still debate on the origin and nature of helicopters. Some consider them to be the ghosts of dead tanks. Others claim that helicopters don't really fly - they are so ugly the earth repels them.

A nice girl should be in bed by 10 PM, because she usually has to get home by midnight.

According to a recent study, when men get out of bed during the night, 20% do so to go to the bathroom, 25% - to raid the fridge for a late snack, 55% - to go home to their wives.

[Pointman]

This is just to funny I'm using everyone of these.LOL

[Compass Rose]

A firefighter was working on an engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hanging off the sides. There was even a miniature garden hose tightly coiled in the middle of her wagon. The little girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet, and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck" the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks", the little girl replied.

The firefighter looked a bit closer. He noticed that the little girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles....

"Little partner", the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I bet you could go a whole lot faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right. But then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[Iwo Jim]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

[Compass Rose]

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot
one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the
robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks
around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is
looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone
else see my face?" calls the robber. There are a few moments silence, then
one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse..."

[Dangerfield]

man says to his doctor " doc if i quit smoking, and drinking, will i live longer?"
doc says "you wont live longer but it will feel like it."

hey how do you find Will Smith in the snow?
look for fresh prints.

pull my finger