The Coil vs. Goliath - An Idiot's Guide to Beating Players Waaaay Better Than You...

[The Coil]

So here's the story - I'm playing [hirr]Leto (pronounced her lie toe, because it annoys him when you do) and Colonel Talvela (pronounced kol own el tall fella) in a mirrored QB. Same parameters in each battle, Leto is Axis in one, CT is Allies in the other. I figure if I beat them both, my place in CM immortality is secured, inasmuch as they have the #1 and #2 ELO spots at the Blitz (barring McIvan reporting that game). The astute among you may spot the flaw in this plan, in that I suck at CM, wheres Leto and CT are really good, and so I have a chance of winning that is not exactly zero, but very, very near it. Still, statisticians will tell you (if you ever talk to statisticians, which I don't - I never seem to run into them on social occasions) that if you are gambling and the odds are against you, your statistically smartest move is to gamble your entire stake on one spin of the wheel, turn of the card, roll of the dice, or ummm...fight of the quick battle. As the case may be. However, if I do happen to win (think Miracle on Ice), I will achieve instant CM immortality and refuse to ever play the game again, thus going out at the pinnacle of my CM "career," in much the same way that Michael Jordan didn't.

On the way, I'll provide you with this brief guide to playing against people way better than you, and pulling off a win. If I win, you'll think I'm a genius and try to copy my every move. If I lose, you'll point and laugh and be entertained for a few minutes. Either way you come out ahead...

Here's the battle:
2000pt meeting engagement, farmland, small hills, moderate trees, overcast (no planes for me, thanks), 30+ turns, Italy, June '44 (no Hetzers either, thanks...).

CT and Leto are both a whole lot better than me (even though I beat CT in a draw once, but it was luck, trust me). How do I know they're way better? Read their posts...they're always saying things like "Well, the [insert name of infantry type] squad in '45 only has 8 men, and it's lacking a bit in the LMG department, so you're really better off with [insert name of other infantry type]" or "the [tank name that just looks like a bunch of meaningless numbers and letters to me] has frequent flaws in the upper hull so if you shoot at it from a 42 degree angle you can often penetrate it". Whereas when I pick my forces, I'm usually thinking more along the lines of "afklarungs sure is a funny word - I wonder what it means. I'll take a battalion of them and find out".

Now, there's a couple things you can do when you're playing someone much better than you that can help level the playing field. Keep these handy tips in mind, and you have a chance:

Handy Tip #1:

Call up Brian McNamee, tell him to bring over the Large Livestock Syringe. Do not mention anything to Andy Pettitte about it.

Handy Tip #2:

Call up McIvan. See if he'll play the game for you (this handy tip submitted by [hirr]Leto - it's actually not a bad idea).

If you don't know McNamee, and McIvan refuses to do it (he will probably mumble something about "ethics" or some other such lame excuse), follow handy tip #3:

Handy Tip #3 (this is an actual handy tip)

Do not pick a balanced bunch of forces. This is not the time to be Mr. Combined Arms Advocate. Leto and CT are both masters of handling balanced (slightly infantry heavy, even) forces. If I tried to go toe to toe with them with a similar force, they'd pick me apart in no time. They've played hundreds of games against people who take your standard couple companies and a platoon of tanks, maybe an arty spotter, and a gun or two. If I try to play that game, I got no chance. Key for me is to throw something unexpected at them. The wackier it is, the less chance they have of having seen it before, the less advantage they have, the better for me. Strange force picks, unorthodox strategy, bizarre tactics are the order of the day (within reason - picking all tank hunters would be strange, but also stupid. Give me some credit).

With that in mind, here's my basic pick against CT (if I remember right):

2 platoons of panzer IVHs
1 platoon of Stugs
1 coy FJs
I think that's it...

What the heck?!? you say. You have no chance, Mr. Coil, you say. Here's my logic: CT will bring a fairly infantry heavy force, maybe some M10s, or a platoon of Priests for the HE, or something like that. CT (and Leto) are both big fans of "infantry wins ball games," and they are, in general, right. But it's real hard for infantry to move if there's unopposed armor around. My strategy is going to be full-on flag rush, drop the FJs on the flags, whack any armor CT did bring, and keep the infantry at bay with my now unopposed armor. He might plink a few tanks, especially if he has a couple AT guns with decent LOS at the start. But he's careful and methodical enough that I can beat him to the flags, and he'll have a heck of a time uprooting the FJs with all my armor about. That's the theory, anyway. Don't mock it until I lose...

Against Leto, my strategy is a little different:

2 platoons M10s
2 rifle coys
1 Priest
Some other random stuff that I can't remember...

With Leto, my theory is a bit different. He's onto my "bring extreme force picks" strategy, and also my "bring the infantry up slowly and late" general tactics, so I'm giving him a little different look. I'm going to try to make it look like I brought a normal force pick for once, but act in my emails (go read the email psy-ops article, if you haven't) like I'm bringing a way AFV heavy force, hoping Leto will see through my email act and think he has figured me out, and that I really have a fairly balanced force for once. I'll let him see one platoon of TDs, keep the other one hidden, and hope I spring it on him by surprise on his flank after he's figured I just brought the one platoon. If you follow all that. Couple that with a quick flag rush (if Leto has a weakness, it's that he's slow to on the flags sometimes), and I hope I can keep him off balance enough to sneak a win.

That's the plan for now, anyway. Haven't seen the maps yet, so it's subject to change. I'll keep a running "summary DAR" going as the battle progress - probably won't be able to keep up turn-by-turn on two games, but will give a general summary every ten turns or so.

Let's [hirr] it for the underdog!