Joke of the day thread

[Outlaw Josey Wales]

Dearest Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read real fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I
won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family
that lived here took the numbers off the house when they moved so they
wouldn't have to change their address.

The new place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. But, it
doesn't work so well. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We ain't seen 'em since.

The weather ain't bad here either. It rained twice last week, the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you asked me to send, your Uncle Billy Jack said it
would be too heavy and cost too much to send in the mail with the
buttons on so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were real worried about
it for a while 'cause it took him two hours to get me and your father
out.

Oh, and your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what
it is yet. So, I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. I'll keep you
posted on that. The baby looks just like your brother.

Your cousin Billy Ray fell into a vat of whiskey last week. Some men
tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated. He burned for two and a half days.

Three of your old school friends went off a bridge in a pick up truck.
Cletus was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Roscoe
and Buck were in the bed of the truck and died. The Sheriff said it
appears they drowned 'cause they weren't able to get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news right now. Nothing much out of the normal has
happened.

Love from your favorite Aunt,

Mom