Russkies in Oklahoma!

[seabolt]

So, the other day Epoletov got tired of my wiseacre ways---or probably wasn't real sure whether he should feel slighted---and challenged me to a Cold War classic matchup, updated to 2008. Being the red-blooded sort, I had to accept, even though I'm really a WWII guy. It occurs that this is a good battle on which to keep a running action report, given my opponent's language/Babelfish skills and my natural syntax don't really mix. I'll be surprised if he can glean any intel from this; this isn't really an intelligence kind of operation, anyway. ;)

Epoletov sent over a 15K meeting engagement on a custom map depicting stereotypical U.S. locations. It was something of a shock because it includes Interstate 44, State Highway 51, and a river turning right in the southwest quadrant. This geography pretty much matches that of Tulsa, OK, although the urban development is about 35 years out of date. Still, close enough to be spooky, coming from a guy ~12 time zones away.

So, the 2008 Russians are in Oklahoma and it's up to this Texan to kick them out. (Being a Texan, I really shouldn't *care* that the ex-pinks hold Tulsa, but I lived there for quite a while ...) The first order of business would be finding out how the crumbling Soviet war machine has held up over the years.

Not too shabbily, it appears. The last SPWW2 update really jacked up the Soviet lethality, by massaging the crazy numbers on their thermobaric RPGs and introducing them earlier. SPMBT 3.0 also gives the Russians all sorts of "instant vaporize" infantry, though at least they're a bit pricey. Flipping over to the U.S. setup, I see that my mainline infantry are, as usual, a bit underwhelming.

Comparing armor, the Abrams SEP package appears to give me a major edge in this category. By no means is the Abrams musketproof, but it should win a long-range quick-draw against the best Soviet armor 5 times out of 5.01 (or thereabouts). Barring user idiocy, which is a specialty of mine with armor ...

Artillery, meh, the boys at Shrapnel rate every cluster round of type x as identical to every other. (It amuses me that we, as gamers, dwell lovingly over every difference in two tank guns, but consider a bomb to be a bomb. Bombs vary *tremendously* from x-kg loadout to loadout.) Epoletov placed a 10% artillery cap on the game, and he has a slight edge here if he's shrewd, because he can field a wider but shallower spread of cluster fire if he picks the right gear. As usual, I take a small part of my artillery allowance and spam my board with lowly 60mm mortars. (Splintex starts nodding vigorously at this point.) Point for point, 60s are the reigning mofo chest-thumping King Kongs of suppression in this game. Never start a fight without one or 12; you know I won't.

Last but not least (among primary platforms), we have air. Holy Toledo, is the deficit ever ugly here! The ex-Soviets have attack copters that look like warthogs from hell and probably need to be nuked from orbit. And their AA capacity is unreal. The only thing in the U.S. arsenal that can survive in their LOS is the stealth fighter-bombers, one of which costs 999 points. :rolleyes: I'll be sure to stock up on those.

Other than the Abrams, I appeared to be majorly outgunned in this matchup, so I did what any SP player does in times of stress: started scrounging for obscure wonder weapons in the TO/E. ;) And did I ever find them.

The first would be an old WWII standby, the U.S. Army Ranger. (It must be a maxim at Shrapnel that no one can have better infantry than the Rangers.) In 2008, they're loaded up with Land Warrior gear. Most players fall in love with the bells and whistles in the lower slots, but truth is weapon slot 1 makes up 90% of what infantry is worth: and slot 1 here is acc 10 assault rifles. Hello, 90 bursts of semi-instant vaporize reaching out to range 8. Better yet, they're 10-man squads, and bigger always is better. Better better yet, though the base model seems just a touch pricey at 43 points (actually a bargain), the 60-point squad is off the hook because it includes 2 SAMs. The loss of 3 EW points roughly will be offset by the +15 experience, and not having to watch 2-man 120-point SAM units disappear under artillery fire saves me from getting all weepy.

Yes, I love me some Rangers, and am now eager to pit them against the worst flamethrowing cheese that my opponent can muster, but I still had a huge gap in the air war. As rabid as the Russian AA is, the U.S. gear is absolutely putrid. (I find this realistic, given we haven't actually fired an AA piece in anger since 1942 ...) The only thing with the accuracy, EW, and bang to kill Russian gear is the Patriot, and stationary SAMs have a half-life measured in nanoseconds in this game. I needed some attack copters that would stand a chance of scaring off demon warthogs, and tossing an outdated SAM or two wasn't going to cut it. And, when I looked closely, there they were. On top of its always decent 30mm chaingun, one of the Apaches was kitted with two 2x70mm DAGRs, each with 14 AP rounds. For a helicopter, a veritable cornucopia of 90 acc, no dodge, just enough punch to cave in your 20-pt armored nose goodness. And a bargain at 570 points, to boot.

So, there's my plan in a nutshell: Rangers, Abrams, and DAGR Apaches. I think I can win the infantry war, though it'll be ugly and smell a lot like badly cooked pork. I know I can win the armor war. There's no way to win the air war; the Apaches will just cover my armor and keep him from shooting speed 35 APCs full of ATGMs around my flanks.

All that's missing is a flag and some apple pie.

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