The CM Miracle

[Mikey_FGM]

Heavy...

A year ago, I was lost in the pitfall of depression also...
I know exactly how it feels...
That midnight void that consumes you...
That emptiness that becomes you...
That iron weight that drags you down...
The daily struggle to find the strength to put one foot in front of the other...

You feel that not a single thing in your life has been worthwhile...
Not a single friendship has been truthful...
Not a single relationship has been successful...
You've never once been charitable...
You've never once been truly kind to someone...
Not a single thing you've ever done in your life has been important...

You'll die, and within a month, you'll be forgotten...
So insignificant was your life...
So tiny your accomplishments...

And then you'll be gone...
Devoured by the inescapable chasm of nothingness...
Death, the eternal covenant, the clean slate, the ever present option, the big reset button...

I saw a therapist for a while... I found it to be a complete waste of time... She was filling her office with empty words, meaningless phrases, as I sat and nodded... My role was to imbibe her drivel and pad her bank balance...

She was a wage slave, another serf to the clock...

***

I had just dropped out of College, and was living at home again...

My whole experience at college was of profound disillusionment...
Preparation for wage slavery...
Selecting a career from a menu list...
Training the obedient serfs their societal duties...

You wonder:
Is this life?
What's the point of all this?
Is this how human beings live?
To get a job, to earn a wage, to buy a house, to raise a family?
Is this how human beings have always lived throughout all of history?
Are human beings suppose to spend their entire waking lives imbibing facts and figures, with the purpose of correctly regurgitating them for tests, exams, teachers, and bosses?
Why get up in the morning, when your day consists of meaningless busy work?
Why go to a school that's molding you, sculpting you, preparing you for a life of obedient wage slavery?

Why does this world exist?
For what purpose does this monstrosity serve?
It's like an orgy of despair, consuming billions of beings...
I didn't want to participate...
So I withdrew...
And there is a buffet of options for the self destructive person...
A plethora of potions to assist in self induced amnesia...
And Demons love misery...

***

On my journey back to life, I discovered CM...
In particular, Rico's Domination Campaign over at FGM...
Finally, a creative outlet, a reason to participate...
A world at war, with desperate Allies reeling under the hammer blows of an unrelenting Axis...
An unknown universe of armor plate strengths, firepower ratings, SMG totting Russians, Tank hunters, SP guns, ATR's, ATG', MG's, MG42's, etc, etc...
A virtual chess board with hundreds, maybe thousands of different pieces to learn how to utilize properly...
A synergy of harmonious combat...

It certainly got my head out of the muck, and into the game...

***

Recently, I've noticed myself acting bitter to several opponents, and to the CM community as a whole...

Sorry for that.

The reason for it was my realization that CM is not real... (No kidding, Jack...)
It's a virtual simulation, nothing more...
It helped me get me head strait by keeping me occupied...
It provided the platform for creative expression...
It helped bring me back to life,
But it isn't life.

Recently, while plugging away at some turns, plotting and re plotting some tedious movement orders, I asked myself, is this a good way to spend my life?
Am what I participating in now going to make any difference to me, or the world?
Is this an effective use of my time, or another self destructive distraction?
Plotting moves, devising plans, executing virtual maneuvers...
Caring for the lives of your simulated soldiers...
Is this life?

Cycling headlong into spitting rain, on a deserted road, illuminated by a radiant full moon, flanked by a double phalanx of pine and oak guardians, riding over an ocean of glass crystal pavement, smiling ear to ear... Free of worry, fearless, carefree, innocent... Yes, this is life... Or, at least, it was an authentic experience approximating what a life honestly lived might be, what real freedom might feel like...

***

CM is not life,
but it helped me begin my process of returning to life...
A helpful stepping stone, an ally, an assistant...

It's cool to know that others have undergone the same process...

Thanks Der K!

P.S. Didn't mean to hijack, just thought it would be interesting to share some of my own experiences...