Joke of the day thread

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

Just in.

AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!


One Liners

Some of them are funny............

Two terrorists have crashed a speedboat into a flood barrier in South Yorkshire.
Police say this could be the start of Ram a Dam.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name.
It's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

All the Best
Peter