THE BLITZ EXTREME CAGE MATCH: COL T vs [hirr]Leto

[Copper]

(announcer)
IN THE RIGHT CORNER, WEARING GHEY PINK TRUNKS WITH A BROWN STRIPE UP THE BACK FROM SOILING HIMSELF.... THE CHAMPEEEN OF THE KNOWN COMBAT MISSION UNIVERSE AND GREATEST GREATEST GREATEST PLAYER THAT EVER PLAYED THE GAME (Hey, I didn't write that... must be a gimmick thing thrown out there by the promoters... REALLY.)

LETO

(The crowd rises up and begins booing, led by a strange and mysterious cabal of hooded members who shall not be named... Large cabbages and bullet sized tomatoes zip from the trenches of the crowds and pelt Leto mercilessly... a full on mob riot of pure HATRED boils over and police and SWAT teams are called.... On one of the far stadium bannisters, Mark Sweeney jumps onto a railing overlooking the ring, gets naked, waggles his little dinky like a mini-propellor and flips Leto the TRIPLE BIRD while hooting like a madman out of Clockwork Orange.... several hours later... the scene has been pacified by rigorous truncheoning and pepper spray and the calling of the match continues...)

(announcer)
IN THE LEFT CORNER, HAILING FROM SHE-MALE CITY, USA... IN THE (oh my god), UHMM... WEARING NOTHING BUT A JOCKSTRAP G STRING LACED WITH RHINESTONES AND SPORTING A SKULL AND CROSSBONES CUP FITTING.... THE ONE, THE ONLY, NOW DEPOSED ELO LEADER OF THE BLITZ LADDER....

COLONEL T(ea bag.... as an expose on this swinging bisexual wrestler has found out through many secret back room interviews... a nickname he picked up... well, we won't get into that here)

This match up will feature a pre made and troop imported map that brings in an assortment of goodies, oddities, circus acts and rare items that usually is not seen in the average bear type ME...

The PREMISE:

Mirror cage matches... viewed RIGHT HERE... sporting the following imported troops on each side plus a 1500 point unrestricted purchase... June, 1944...

For the RUSSIANS:

1 Platoon of Stuarts (3)
1 Churchill (57mm guns)
1 Valentine (75mm gun)
1 Romanian R-35
1 Romanian T-38
2 TAC AM 60's
2 TAC AM R-2
1 300mm Rocket spotter
1 Company of Romanian Pioneers (3 platoons, 3 FT)
2 Trenches
5 Barbed Wire
1 TRP
1 Wooden bunker with MGMG - Maschinengewehr [GER]

MG - Machinegun [ENG]


1 Pillbox with MG
1 Pillbox with 76mm ATAT - Anti-Tank [ENG]
gun


On the AXIS OF EVHUL SIDE:
1 Nashorn
1 PZR M/15 (47mm gun)
1 Puma (50mm gun)
1 PSWPSW - Panzerspähwagen [GER]
234/3 Heavy AC (75mm gun)
1 Hungarian Toldi iia (40mm gun)
1 Hungarian platoon of Turan II (3)
2 Platoons of Hungarian Pioneer
1 280mm Rocket Spotter
2 Trenches
5 Barbed Wire
2 TRP
1 Wooden bunker with MG
1 Pillbox with 75mm AT gun

The purchase points somewhat favor the Axis, but the imports were bought for balance...

This is a mirror game where one of the mirrors will be broadcast live over at WaW... and the other one RIGHT HERE... so smoke em if you got em!


In this match I have the Axis of Evhul side.

As this is an armor heavy match with many oddjobs, circus freaks and rarities on both sides... I have to go heavy on armor myself.

My kit of sucker punch death (I know, someone out there is writing me up a ticket for being overly "tricksy"...)

5 Panther V
1 Coy of SS Cavalry
2 PZSHRK
3 81mm Mortars.

I need to have a trump card on Dave's Soviet Circus funnies, but feel rather nekkid going into this match with no AT (other than the bunker) and only light infantry... totally not my M.O.

STRATEGY

The left flank is where I plan on driving my blue meanies... I hope to catch Dave with a few hard jabs to the kidneys and then pull back the elastic on his G-string cup and crush his little nuts. This is the most open area of the map and I want to drive fast to get in behind his lines and hopefully catch his infantry deploying from the back setup zone...




In the middle, the Hungary hungary hippos need to hold their ground as they will most likely be the only thing standing between the town and Dave's troops. I see that Dave's placed a MG pillbox to keep me in place, and I will have to bring a panzer up to take it out (rock paper, panzers... panzers beat rock.)



On the far right, I plan on sending the bulk of my troops to take the large flag on the hill. They will be supported by my Hungary hungary hippotanks... and a German 47(t)... I'm hoping that if Dave is sending some of his Engineer troops up to take that large flag, I can gun them down with the German Czech tank. If not, the Turan Turan's with the really bad hair will be hungry like the wolf, and level that building, Romanian piggy's and all. The Turan Turans also will be inplace to menace the town with HE, hoping to get in a few haymakers on Dave's Romanuck Engineer dudes.



TURN 1

AS you can already see... things are not about to go well for Daveykins.... I trot out the ole ballbreaker move and blast away at his little column of funnies... end result... one left nut (aka his Churchill) crushed into nut goo. Four of the Romanian R-2's and Tac Am's were in that column, but the tough old Churchill sucked up all the AP and allowed the Romania light armor to back out of harm's way... DRAT.

Note in the background, my rocket spotter is unloading a large cart of Coil dirty diapers into El Davo's backfield... and notice that I gave the old snooker move to at least one of his vehicles (PLEASE BE A TANK, PLEASE BE A TANK...) It appears that the rocket spread did nicely and may have hit some areas where his infantry and tanks were staging...



OFF to a rollicking good start... It seems I have the masked El Davo by the nose hairs and am swinging him around and into the corner post for an opening turn smackdown.

This Cage Match is far from over... El Davo has many nastry tricks and a manager that keeps a large metal chair on the sidelines for him to use when the ref's back is turned... HE knows where my AT bunker is... and he's seen my Nashorn... hopefully that is all the intelligence he gets... along with his sore nuts.

(announcer:)
THE CROWD TRUMPET CALLS BOOS AND CONTINUES TO THROW USED NEEDLES, LIT CIGARS AND THE OCCASIONAL PLAGUE INFESTED RAT AT LETO... LETO IGNORES THE CROWD AND TOWERS OVER THE STRICKEN DAVE, (WHO IS CRUMPLED IN THE CORNER HOLDING HIS NUTS) AND DOES A RANDY THE MACHO MAN "HEEEEEEYYYYYYAAAHHH" STRONG MAN PUMP... THE CROWD GOES WILD WITH BOOS AND HISSES. A STRONG SMELL OF URINE WAFTS UP FROM THE MATTED DAVE OH MY, I THINK HE'S WET HIMSELF!

THIS CROWD ABSOLUELY HATES LETO... I'M BEING TOLD THAT HE'S ALREADY RECEIVED SEVERAL DEATH THREATS... MY GOD, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS!!! THIS LETO HAS GOT TO BE ONE OF THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG'S EVER!!!

; )

Cheers!

Leto

[McIvan]

Um, yeah :)

Hey, what about posting up the pics of the setup zones because they are a very interesting part of the setup.....makes the strategy a lot more apparent.

[Copper]

Um, yeah :)

Hey, what about posting up the pics of the setup zones because they are a very interesting part of the setup.....makes the strategy a lot more apparent.

Uhm.... okay... Get right to it!

; )

HERE IT IS:



AS you can see... the imported troops can be placed in the forward areas while the bought troops are placed at the back of the map. This allows for the usage of bunkers and wire, trenches and the likes. Each side has a tentative foothold on the town, and relative proximity to the flags. This impacts upon strategy in two ways:

1) Coordinating troops that were bought with troops that were imported... kind of a cavalry to the rescue type context.
2) How initial setup can be used to impact the later game. Because there are engineers on both sides, flamethrowers, DC's and other general nastiness in the form of bunkers may thwart any attacks into this area.

My approach has been to basically ignore the town, leave my Hungarian troops there on short covered arcs... and try capturing the flank flags. IF Dave wants to come over my obstacles, he is well deserving to try.

Cheers!

Leto

[Bert Blitzkrieg]

Leto,

Great to see you post here again. Always loved your AAR's and DAR's and laughed about the text in them !

[Copper]

Leto,

Great to see you post here again. Always loved your AAR's and DAR's and laughed about the text in them !

Thanks Bert. I do appreciate the time you took to let me know. If you like what I am doing, LMK... if you think my humor is too harsh, PM a mod and complain if it really bothers you, and I will tone it down some. If you have questions... ask them... I will answer as best I can and impart the little dull seed of knowledge that I possess upon you.

Does everyone else picture Dave as a tricked out bisexual version of Jack Black?

I do.

: )

Cheers!

Leto

[Der Kuenstler]

Leto]
the imported troops can be placed in the forward areas while the bought troops are placed at the back of the map.

I really like the creative import/pick combination. I'm interested to know how that was done - did you make different colored setup zones in the editor to separate the bought units from the imported units or did you setup on the honor system to keep them separate?

[Copper]

Leto]
the imported troops can be placed in the forward areas while the bought troops are placed at the back of the map.

I really like the creative import/pick combination. I'm interested to know how that was done - did you make different colored setup zones in the editor to separate the bought units from the imported units or did you setup on the honor system to keep them separate?

Strictly honor system Kel... the imported troops came somewhat bunched with the bought kits, but for the most part, the imports were at the front and bought at the back so it wasn't hard to separate them.

Another way to do this would be to create reinforcements for turn 1 being your bought kits. That way you could place the imports where ever you wished... but Dave and I are just messing around and learning all this as well.

Cheers!

Leto

[Copper]

AND the Cage Match finally continues!

On last week's episode, El Davo suffered from an opening move faux pas that led to the crumpling of his red nosed Churchill tank... BUT because the dying tank dropped smoke (like most Allied and some Axis tanks do, but not typical RUSSIAN AFV's who are not smoke capable) and saved the bacon of his Valentine and four TaC am 76's...

TURN 3

To my utter surprise, El Davo chumps from the mat and goes for a tit twister... a heinous and horrible move that leaves a permanent nippular scar if done correctly...

He opens fire with his MG bunker? Hey wait a minute... Dave has gotten quite sneaky here... I first thought it was an MG bunker, but:



The bastage has placed the MG and Gun bunker right on top of the other!

And that darned Dave titty twists one of my Hungary hungary engineer ohs... his gun fires on my building and breaks my Hunnies right off the bat.



They stoopid bastards retreat from the building AND INTO THE WIRE and are shot dead to the man. This is what happens when you set up you own maps... the retreat directions get all screwed up, and leads to some disastrous retreats...

Not standing for this, I grab Dave by the ear, lick my finger, and prepare to insert it deep into his cochlear cavity...



Thinking my heavy armoured car save from his INF gun pillbox, up he rolls to take on the Reds.

My Turan Turan's open up on his own Romuck engineers and force them to sing a stressed version of "her name was Rio and she dances on the sand... oh shit I think I'm going to die for the motherland!"



Up moves the Heavy armored car and lo and behold...



the gun that shouldn't be able to penetrate his frontal armour pots him on the first shot, and makes me think that perhaps a CRACK 76mm INF gun gets an added fire bonus... but this should not impact upon penetration? The Romucks retreat from the front of the building and begin to pile out of the warehouse like rats (Dave must have thought it not be good to have my Turan Turans with direct fire on those buildings).

Meanwhile, my PZM15/42 shows his mettle by shrugging off a few shots from a pesky stuart...




El Davo is up and fighting... Titty twistered to death a Hungarian engineer squad with a lucky retreat, sets my house on fire (isn't that a Duran Duran song too?) and punches the lights out of my heavy armored car (that indeed sucked).

I ante up and sock it to his engineers and force them into the streets to get gunned down... thankfully, my little panzer on the hill survives his clash with an inept stuart and lives to fight another day and keep tabs on the hillside flag.

Little does Dave realize, but I lose a Panther to immobilization. In my last game against the Coil, 2 of my 4 Tigers immobilized immediately, putting me out of the game, and on the last turn, my Brumbar immobilizes on its way to neutralize a flag... therefore my luck with immobs is becoming a real concern... I ate through a coffee table seeing this very expensive Panther bite it.

I plan on swinging the rest of my panthers around and taking the east flag... one panther will slip away and head up the road to take out the Tac Am that escaped, and then make a play for the pillboxes with a flank attack from the side across the bridge.



My engineers are going to vacate the building...

"Right Elvis?"

"uh-huh"

... and then swing around and try to make it onto Dave's side of the warehouse (he has no troops left there I hope, and if they are, the Turan Turans's will lay it thick on them).

Meanwhile, my SS Cavalry badass sturmtroopers trudge up to the hill flag... Let's hope that Dave's rockets don't let fly on them while in transit and in the open... Dave's still holding onto the rockets in both his games... don't know why...

I'm thinking this game is going to get very interesting very fast... if I get too close with my Panthers and he has a flock of T-34-85's on the the right side of the map, this game could be over real quick. I'm taking a gamble moving them up, and if my gamble is correct, he's got his tanks on the other side of the map... that leaves his weak assed circus shit ready to be taken apart by my cats...

Round 5 is about to begin, and I'm already bleeding from my arse... Dave's hitting back hard, and I'm starting to look for a pipe or chair myself... the noogies to the brain may not stop him... perhaps some Krupp Steel will.

THE CROWD GOES WILD AS LETO GETS CLOBBERED BY A SNEAKY REACH AROUND MANUEVER!!! (no surprise there, that seems to be Dave's best move for some reason)... (Modded by Wigam)

LETO IS GOING TO HAVE TO REGROUP HERE, AND QUICK THE DOUBLE MG/GUN COMBO WILL BE TOUGH TO BEAT!

(voice of vendor in crowd) POPCORN!! GET YOUR POPCORN!!! NOW WITH NUTS... NUTTIEST AND CORNIEST POPCORN YOU'LL EVER EAT!!! POPCORN!!! TASTY NUTTY POPCORN!!!

; )

Cheers!

Leto

[Der Kuenstler]

Lol - very entertaining - and the combo AT/MG bunker trick is a new one to me...

[Ratzki]

Yes, I like the double bunker move. MOst play with some unit scaling so they would be tough to pick out at first. Hehe, you are gonna have to make him pay for that move.