Joke of the day thread

[Montana Mud]

Grandpa is sitting on the porch in his rocking chair when he spots his grandson walking by with some chicken wire.

"Hey boy where you going with that chicken wire?"
"I'm going to catch a chicken!" Replied the lad.

"You can't catch no chicken with chicken wire." Grandpa said with a chuckle. 30 minutes later the kid comes back with a chicken under his arm.

Next he spots the kid walking with duct tape in his hand.

"Hey boy where you going with that duct tape?"
"I'm going to catch a duck!" His grandson said with a look of determination.

"You can't catch no duck with duct tape." Grandpa said with even more laughter. 30 minutes later here comes the kid with a duck under his arm.

Next he spots the kid walking by with a branch under his arm.

"Hey boy what you got there?"
"A pussy willow" The kid replys.

"What you gonna do...........hold on while I get my hat.

[Outlaw Josey Wales]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $42.60 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $158.70."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for 10 million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, thee exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What 's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the Accident & Emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Brown.

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Gordon!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Brown, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean , Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland,
looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black
plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Brown, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!'

All the Best
Peter

[Outlaw Josey Wales]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.


He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?," he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!," she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[Outlaw Josey Wales]

A Florida senior citizen was driving his brand new Corvette
convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he
floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little
hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind
him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100
mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing" I'm too old for this,"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper . . . I thought you were bringing her back."

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

All the Best
Peter

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

THE BLIND COWBOY
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[McIvan]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied, 'No dear. both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden' she said.

[Outlaw Josey Wales]

Dearest Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read real fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I
won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family
that lived here took the numbers off the house when they moved so they
wouldn't have to change their address.

The new place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. But, it
doesn't work so well. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We ain't seen 'em since.

The weather ain't bad here either. It rained twice last week, the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you asked me to send, your Uncle Billy Jack said it
would be too heavy and cost too much to send in the mail with the
buttons on so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were real worried about
it for a while 'cause it took him two hours to get me and your father
out.

Oh, and your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what
it is yet. So, I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. I'll keep you
posted on that. The baby looks just like your brother.

Your cousin Billy Ray fell into a vat of whiskey last week. Some men
tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated. He burned for two and a half days.

Three of your old school friends went off a bridge in a pick up truck.
Cletus was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Roscoe
and Buck were in the bed of the truck and died. The Sheriff said it
appears they drowned 'cause they weren't able to get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news right now. Nothing much out of the normal has
happened.

Love from your favorite Aunt,

Mom

[Hedgehog]

Subject: Glasgow School Quiz

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School , Glasgow.Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!'

Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss,
The answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.

Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front:
'Yes Tarquin.'
Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.' Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and
Come back to class on Tuesday.' The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been
Studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'

Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'. Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. 'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy
English accent): 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.' Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE F@&K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B@ST@RDS COME FROM?'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?' Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn , 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'