The CM Miracle

[Der Kuenstler]

March of 2005 was probably the lowest point in my life. For the past five years I had been struggling - my wife of 17 years divorced me and married another man. I had lost my job and was forced to change careers. I lost my daily relationship with my children. Child support garnishments forced me to live with friends and relatives - a church even let me stay in their basement for five months. I was plagued by depression and suicidal thoughts - I spent 11 days in a mental hospital, with no belt or shoestrings so I couldn’t hurt myself. Still, I learned how to make a hangman’s noose on the internet and kept it hidden as a comfort - just in case things got worse. As far as I could see I my life was dead in the water - adrift - going nowhere with nothing good in sight. I finished off many a bottle of port wine alone during those dark nights, drifting off to sleep in a drunken fog, hoping morning would not come.

Computer games helped me to escape during this time, and one day I brought home a ten game “wargame” pack I pulled out of a store bargain bin. One of the games was “Combat Mission: Beyond Overlord.” I loaded it up and tried a scenario - it was interesting. I particularly liked the minute by minute orders you could give - cycling through the different units and giving them orders seemed to be kind of a comfort, “you do this - you do this.” I enjoyed it. Before long I had purchased CMBB and CMAK, with their more advanced infantry options, and was playing those regularly.

Soon nightly I was loading up the game and looking over purchase screens, studying unit stats, and playing scenarios. I was amazed at the realism - the units behaved, moved, and fired far more realistically than in any WWII game I had ever played in the past. I was amazed at the variety of fronts you could fight on, units you could choose, weather, time of day - the variables seemed infinite. And it was all on a 3d map of terrain I could pan through - I could truly imagine I was there on the battlefield.

After a couple of weeks against the AI, I was beginning to wonder what it would be like to play another human. I started looking at different websites and eventually settled on the Blitz. I found the quality of the ladder rules and number of players to be far above any other site I could find. And oh - the excitement of playing someone for the first time! Does anyone remember that? I found it incredible that I could play a game with a guy in Germany or Korea or Australia - anywhere in the world. How did they make all of this work? I didn’t know, but I was enthralled that for the first time in my life I was able to be a commander and immerse myself into a WWII battle against another real person. It was wits vs. wits - this man from another country is now my “enemy” and he intends to destroy my forces - and I intend to destroy his. How cool is it to be able to fight the Germans - when by PBEM they have an actual German commanding them? Is that awesome or what? Only one guy will walk out of the carnage and smoke alive. Who is it going to be? I had only dreamed about doing something like this in past years.

I soon realized it wasn’t easy being a noobie - after eight losses in a row I sensed that I was being hunted. For some reason this thrilled me. I determined to learn more and more about the game, reading every tactical post I could find while experimenting with the game myself. Every game I played I would learn a little more, taking notes on what I could have done better. Here was a field in which lawyers and ex-wives couldn’t beat me down - if I could master it I could win there - and I eventually did - a lot.

Something else was happening while I was throwing myself into this game and this ladder. My mind was occupied. Not with pain, grief, or suicide. But with strategy and tactics and battlefield goals. They say the suicide rate goes down in nations during time of war because the people have a purpose to fight for. Many a night I was able to brush aside the darkness with the thought “Not tonight - I have all these turns to do.”

I wrote a poem during that dark time:

“I never thought I’d get this low
Never felt this pain I know
death whispers to me and tempts to his lair
Stumbling through these cold dark woods
Walking hurts and sleep sounds good
But I’ve decided that I won’t lay down and die here
So I try whatever gets me through the night
Cause every dog will have his day
And this world still owes me my 15 minutes of fame
So I’m on whatever gets me to the dawn
Whatever keeps me holding on
I may be wrong and I may be right
Whatever gets me through the night.”

I can say that it was CM and the Blitz that got me through many of those nights. Some days are only a success in that they get you to the next day. Today, thank God, I am remarried and have my own house and a better paying job than I’ve ever had. I’ve put away the hangman’s noose for good, but I may not have made it to this day if not for the miracle of CM.

Now guys - here’s the point of all this. Can we who remain here set aside all of the bitterness that has damaged this CM message board and get back the wonder of this game? It may be an old game, but it’s still the best game out there in its genre - the CM trilogy still rules - despite the disturbances here on this MB, more CM games get reported here than any other game. Can we make this place a safe place again to go and escape real life? Enjoy World War II, enjoy the tactics and strategy - enjoy the struggle on the battlefield. Indulge the warrior in us - the soldier inside with the eye of the tiger that gets smashed down daily by utility bills, traffic jams, and honey-do lists.

I would like to help in any way I can to make it that way. I’m not faultless - but who is? Jesus wasn’t available for the job, so you have Wigam and I.

We still have 360 guys on the active ladder here. You aren’t going to find that sheer number of competitors on any other CM ladder I know of. In addition to that, we have almost 1250 guys who are considered inactive - they haven’t reported a game in the past year. I hope they come back. There are another 46 in Bootcamp. I hope they finish a game. Let’s just play! Somebody out there may be going through something like I went through, so I for one feel it’s important that we keep the light on here.

[Steel God]

Wow, Kelvin...I had no idea.

I am glad to hear the story at this point, knowing the outcome has been good.

I wish you luck, and thank you again for stepping up. If you need me for anything, you and Marcus both know where to find me.

Warm regards;

Paul

[British Tommy]

That was one hell of a posting and I'm glad you made it through the darkness with the help from the CM games and the players from across the world who had no idea they were helping you during those early PBEM games.

[Copper]

Its also a wake up call to those who are nasty that perhaps their words can hit home beyond the confines of a computer game and have bigger consequences.

I to remember my first game... I believe it was against an American called The Bard who offered to show me the ropes.... he did just that by pounding me to a pulp... LOL

[Christian Soldier]

That is a gutsy post for sure. The “point” of it all makes good sense; hopefully your peers will get the message.

Thanks for your efforts.

[Phil Davies (FGM)]

Powerfull message, very touching and I am glad you got through the dark times and "moved into broad sun lit plains".

[Sphinx]

I am very happy you made it out of where you were.

There is an interesting scene from the movie "The Horsewhisperer" where Robert Redford (as the whisperer) is talking to a very young Scarlett Johansen (the girl who lost her leg) about not going (psychologically) where a friend of his, who became paralyzed after a diving accident, went. She answers that she knows where he went, and he replies that he knows she does, but not to stay there.

While this may sound trite, I think there is somewhat of an analogy to DK's experience. I too know where he went - my beautiful wife passed away suddenly about 2 years ago. DK should know he is not alone. I stopped playing CM for a long while as a result, until one of my old gaming buddies dropped me a line. It has been nice playing again (although most of my opponents might not say I am really playing, but rather am cannon fodder these days). CM has been a nice way to divert my mind from some of the harder thoughts we have from time to time. Best wishes to DK.

[von Nev]

Few in this world have a life that is without challenges. Admittingly some do have more and some less but few get through unscathed. It is during those trying times that I find that people amaze me. I have found that although it is hard to do sometimes, being open about the challenges you are facing brings the best out in not only yourself but in those around you - even strangers.

Stay strong DK and stay positive.

[Mad Russian]

In the dark times people often chose different paths to the light. Work helps a tremendous number, as does religion, family, etc...

The goal is to concentrate on ANYTHING but the issues that are at hand.

There is a song that has lyrics which include, "when you're going through hell keep on moving..."

That's the best advice I've ever heard. Don't stop when things are bad. You find something to attach yourself that's still moving forward...away from the all the hurt and pain.

Wargames have that capacity. To get you so immersed that you can't help but keep on moving.

I'm glad things are better for you in your life now.

Good Hunting.

MR

[Mikey_FGM]

Heavy...

A year ago, I was lost in the pitfall of depression also...
I know exactly how it feels...
That midnight void that consumes you...
That emptiness that becomes you...
That iron weight that drags you down...
The daily struggle to find the strength to put one foot in front of the other...

You feel that not a single thing in your life has been worthwhile...
Not a single friendship has been truthful...
Not a single relationship has been successful...
You've never once been charitable...
You've never once been truly kind to someone...
Not a single thing you've ever done in your life has been important...

You'll die, and within a month, you'll be forgotten...
So insignificant was your life...
So tiny your accomplishments...

And then you'll be gone...
Devoured by the inescapable chasm of nothingness...
Death, the eternal covenant, the clean slate, the ever present option, the big reset button...

I saw a therapist for a while... I found it to be a complete waste of time... She was filling her office with empty words, meaningless phrases, as I sat and nodded... My role was to imbibe her drivel and pad her bank balance...

She was a wage slave, another serf to the clock...

***

I had just dropped out of College, and was living at home again...

My whole experience at college was of profound disillusionment...
Preparation for wage slavery...
Selecting a career from a menu list...
Training the obedient serfs their societal duties...

You wonder:
Is this life?
What's the point of all this?
Is this how human beings live?
To get a job, to earn a wage, to buy a house, to raise a family?
Is this how human beings have always lived throughout all of history?
Are human beings suppose to spend their entire waking lives imbibing facts and figures, with the purpose of correctly regurgitating them for tests, exams, teachers, and bosses?
Why get up in the morning, when your day consists of meaningless busy work?
Why go to a school that's molding you, sculpting you, preparing you for a life of obedient wage slavery?

Why does this world exist?
For what purpose does this monstrosity serve?
It's like an orgy of despair, consuming billions of beings...
I didn't want to participate...
So I withdrew...
And there is a buffet of options for the self destructive person...
A plethora of potions to assist in self induced amnesia...
And Demons love misery...

***

On my journey back to life, I discovered CM...
In particular, Rico's Domination Campaign over at FGM...
Finally, a creative outlet, a reason to participate...
A world at war, with desperate Allies reeling under the hammer blows of an unrelenting Axis...
An unknown universe of armor plate strengths, firepower ratings, SMG totting Russians, Tank hunters, SP guns, ATR's, ATG', MG's, MG42's, etc, etc...
A virtual chess board with hundreds, maybe thousands of different pieces to learn how to utilize properly...
A synergy of harmonious combat...

It certainly got my head out of the muck, and into the game...

***

Recently, I've noticed myself acting bitter to several opponents, and to the CM community as a whole...

Sorry for that.

The reason for it was my realization that CM is not real... (No kidding, Jack...)
It's a virtual simulation, nothing more...
It helped me get me head strait by keeping me occupied...
It provided the platform for creative expression...
It helped bring me back to life,
But it isn't life.

Recently, while plugging away at some turns, plotting and re plotting some tedious movement orders, I asked myself, is this a good way to spend my life?
Am what I participating in now going to make any difference to me, or the world?
Is this an effective use of my time, or another self destructive distraction?
Plotting moves, devising plans, executing virtual maneuvers...
Caring for the lives of your simulated soldiers...
Is this life?

Cycling headlong into spitting rain, on a deserted road, illuminated by a radiant full moon, flanked by a double phalanx of pine and oak guardians, riding over an ocean of glass crystal pavement, smiling ear to ear... Free of worry, fearless, carefree, innocent... Yes, this is life... Or, at least, it was an authentic experience approximating what a life honestly lived might be, what real freedom might feel like...

***

CM is not life,
but it helped me begin my process of returning to life...
A helpful stepping stone, an ally, an assistant...

It's cool to know that others have undergone the same process...

Thanks Der K!

P.S. Didn't mean to hijack, just thought it would be interesting to share some of my own experiences...