Luck of the Irish

[Outlaw Josey Wales]

Into a Belfast pub came Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm was in a sling, his nose was broken, his face was cut and bruised, and he was walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asked Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," said Paddy.

"That little O'Conner?" said Sean. "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," said Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," said Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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Brenda O'Malley was home making dinner as usual when Tim Finnegan arrived at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asked. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God, no!" cried Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, Brenda looked up at Tim and asked, "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda," said Tim. "He fell into a vat of Guinness
Stout and drowned."

"Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no" said Tim. "He got out three times to pee."

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Mary Clancy went up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday Mass, and she was in tears.

Father O'Grady said, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"

She said, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

Father said, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"

"That he did, Father," answered Mary.

Father asked, "What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun.'"

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Clancy staggered into a Catholic church, entered a confessional booth, sat down, but said nothing. The priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but Clancy continued to sit there. Finally, the priest pounded three times on the wall.

Clancy mumbled, "Ain't no use knockin'. There's no paper on this
side, either!"