Texan chili contest...

[nikoda]

I got this one for a couple years now... A bit long but ... Enjoy ...

The Chili contest…

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot, at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge N° 3 was an inexperienced Chili tester named Franck, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Franck: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there as a judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assures by the 2 others judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beers during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event…

CHILI N° 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…

Judge 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick
Judge 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge 3 (Franck): Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are creazy.

CHILI N°2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI …

Judge 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste beside pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when the saw the look on my face

CHILI N°3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…

Judge 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge 2: A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3: Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front of my chest. I’m getting shit faced from all the beer.

CHILI N°4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…

Judge 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing
Judge 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lbs woman is starting to look HOT… Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI N°5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

Judge 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2: Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI N°6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

Judge 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb
Judge 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with snowcone.

CHILI N°7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…

Judge 1: A mediocre chili with much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
** I should take note that I am worried about judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably
Judge 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI N°8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…

Judge 1: The perfect ending, this is nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure he is going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge 3: No report…