Joke of the day thread

[Hedgehog]

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper"

[Hedgehog]

Talking Two Plastic Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once
in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.



Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of That bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."



Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"



"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why
not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence
by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.



Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him,
grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'



"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh,
by the way, what's in the other bag?"




"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

;)

[Hedgehog]

A nice thought to take into the weekend!




A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.



No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
Never mind.

[Hedgehog]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** I like This

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**




**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**


**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**


**After a brief pause,**


**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now..'**


Brief Pause.


**'Uh . . . okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**



**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes

on and ran around screaming.


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.**


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****


*****Longer Pause*****


*****Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**


**'Swimming pool? ...........**


**Is this 486-5731?'*




**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

[Mr Grumpy]

:bow:

[Hedgehog]

Little Bruce and Jenny

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.



One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.


Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."


Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"


Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."


Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."


Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."


Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.


"Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"


Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."


Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable

[Hedgehog]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO
OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED
HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT

UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED....

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

[Hedgehog]

Now... you gotta say, this took GUTS!!!





Master Card Wedding


You got to love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University .
It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage
with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.



He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family
and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.




Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy
of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail
them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out
about the affair, this
guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a Master Card 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodation in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8 x 10 glossy
of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD


A Master Card Wedding
Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches,
it's more like a jar of Jalapeno's--
what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow.

[Hedgehog]

Priceless Observations Department:

Priceless Observations Department:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

[Hedgehog]

Red face CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?

CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.


'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?'

Freedom is when one hears the bell at seven o'clock in the morning and knows it is the milkman and not the Gestapo.