Joke of the day thread

[Foreigner]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but AFAIK Catholicism does not provide for a divorce; one can have a marriage annulled, but the criteria for that are pretty restrictive, and one would expect the enforcement in Heaven to be pretty strict. Might be that the implication of the joke is that Heaven is not really Catholic, but I don't think anyone would want to go there...

[Hedgehog]

It's a joke mate, you are digging to deep.....;)

[Kingmaker]

HiHi

Just in

A client of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

Apparently, prophets are going through the roof.

All the Best
Peter

[Hedgehog]

Global Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:




FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!




FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.




FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.




FACT:
1 old person is reading emails.




You hang in there, Sunshine ......

[Hedgehog]

Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again, remarried ... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:


"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel"...

[Hedgehog]

New Prostate Check Procedure


Prostate check-up...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great".

Now turn over on your left side and again, we'll repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good'. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold onto your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

[Hedgehog]

Six Truths of Life

Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.
















2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.


3. And discover that the first truth is a lie and feel superior because they can do it.



4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.






5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.



6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot and I needed company ...And I know you have a sense of humor and some teeth.

[Ashcloud]

[Hedgehog]

Seems like a quick learner....LOL

[Hedgehog]

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."


T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.


Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......





Ate the cookies........


Drank the milk.....


Sh*t on the paper.......





Screwed the other three cats........


Claimed he injured his back while doing so.



Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......



Put in for Workers Compensation..................and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!