Joke of the day thread

[Hedgehog]

Liverpool benefits office,

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...


'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?



'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'

[Hedgehog]

Old Age Golf

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."


His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."


"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."


"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."


So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.


He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"


"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."


"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.


"Can't remember."

[Hedgehog]

Your Favourite Pub



"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

“Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

[Hedgehog]

The Promised Land

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel :

"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead

you to The Promised Land".



Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced), Roosevelt said:

"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel.

This is The Promised Land".



Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price

of Camels, and mortgaged The Promised Land!



Last night, I was so depressed thinking about Obama Care, the economy,

the wars, lost jobs, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. that I

called a Suicide Hotline.



I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call centre in

Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I

could drive a truck.

[Hedgehog]

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

· If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

The £2.99 Special


We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast with tea or coffee for £2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you £3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

[Hedgehog]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich ..

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last long."

[Hedgehog]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.


It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:


What Makes 100%?


What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?


Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.


How about achieving 103%?


What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.



'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'.

[Hedgehog]

[Ashcloud]

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

'Then you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready,' the customs officer said.
The elderly gentleman replied, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'

'Impossible! The British always ave to show their passports en arrivee in France!'

The man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained:

'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any f*****g Frenchmen to show it to!!'

[Hedgehog]

Keep Smiling

John decided to go skiing with his friend, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from a solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry mate . I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'